


Cue The Flying Pigs

by moriann



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), New Era Commercials
Genre: Gen, Humor, betting pools
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:10:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriann/pseuds/moriann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>
    <br/>
    <i>PRANK WAR BETTING POOL 2014:</i>
    <br/>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Chainsaw - DIAZ</i><br/><i>Disorderly Conduct - SANTIAGO</i><br/><i>Monkeys - PERALTA</i><br/><i>Arson - SCULLY</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Cue The Flying Pigs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stillscape](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillscape/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy the story, stillscape -- your letter didn't specify which commercials you wanted, but you mentioned liking humour and random adventures, so I hope this fits. :)
> 
> For those unfamiliar with those commercials: it's a series of short videos about two die-hard baseball fans trying to one-up each other in trash talk and a perpetually backfiring prank war with increasing amounts of collateral damage. They can all be found on youtube ([one](http://youtu.be/9e57dlq7ZA4), [two](http://youtu.be/hjmvsc22OFw), [three](http://youtu.be/5ORuTfi7LP0), [four](http://youtu.be/936g5zpgt5o), [five](http://youtu.be/5EUTEPFq5iQ)).

Captain Holt enters the briefing room and stops next to the door just as Hitchcock shouts out, “Fifty bucks on indecent exposure and property damage!” and everyone freezes. Everyone except Peralta, whose back is turned to the door and who is busy writing _INDECENT EXPOSURE & PROPERTY DAMAGE - HITCH._ on the whiteboard on the left, below the thickly underlined _PRANK WAR BETTING POOL 2014_ at the top. He caps the marker with a flourish and yells back, “Anyone else?” There is a long pause before Peralta realises what’s wrong.

“The Captain’s standing behind me, isn’t he?” and, when no one breaks the silence, he very deliberately puts the marker down and turns around. “I’d love to stay and explain, but I have this terribly urgent case to solve,” he says and hurries out of the room.

Holt lets the silence stretch out until every single of his subordinates is looking vaguely uncomfortable. He crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow at Santiago. “What’s the meaning of this?” 

“The annual baseball season disaster betting pool, sir. There are two guys who get into a ridiculously elaborate prank war every year and it always ends in a disaster. The point is to pick what they get arrested for this time and if no one guesses exactly right, the closest one wins,” she says and when Holt still doesn’t comment, she hurries to add, “The pool was approved by Captain McGinley.”

“Approved, huh?”

“...aaand by ‘approved’ I mean he said that we need to find a team building exercise that involves less property damage than the fire extinguisher roller chair derby. Sir.”

“Detective Diaz, why does your bet only say _CHAINSAW_?”

“It’s mostly wishful thinking,” she sighs.

Scully, up until now napping in the back, wakes up with a jolt and raises his hand. “I think I’m going to go with arson.”

Half the room groans and Holt sees Boyle throw up his hands in frustration and follow it up with an angrily muttered, “That was already the grand finale three years ago! It’s not like they’re going to repeat it.”

Rosa levels Scully with a suspicious look. “I don’t know, there might be something to it.” 

Gina uses everyone’s distraction to add _ATF & DEA GET INVOLVED - GINA_ to the board and slip out of the room. As she leaves, she tells Holt, “I know that, as Captain of the precinct, you probably think you should not participate, but if you’d like to place some bets, sir, I can totally be your proxy.” Then she grins and adds, “I take a ten percent cut of any winnings you might get, though.”

The whiteboard disappears from the briefing room before the next morning, but he spots it a week later in the evidence room, awkwardly wedged between two stacks of boxes, with three new lines, _DISORDERLY CONDUCT - SANTIAGO_ , _MONKEYS - PERALTA_ and _CONSPIRACY/BLACKMAIL - BOYLE_ scribbled near the bottom.

–--

Two months after that, he comes in from his lunch break to find the board is back upstairs and next to Peralta’s desk, with everyone clustered around it and staring intently at a phone.

“We’ve heard one of them was arrested at Yankee Stadium and we’re waiting for someone at 46th to let us know what’s happened,” Santiago volunteers.The phone chooses this moment to ring and Peralta answers it with an impatient, “Come on, Teng, spill!” He rakes his eyes over the board as he listens, and then hangs up, jumps out of his chair and does an exaggerated fist pump.

“Yes! Trespassing and illegal possession of a baby crocodile!” he whoops. “Still in the game!”

Gina’s eyes lit up with glee at that. “Great news, Jake, but only for the rest of us. Now that a wild animal was already used this year, _your_ odds are not looking so good.” 

\--–

Just before play-offs, Gina rolls into his office in her chair, hitting every piece of furniture on her way.

“Captain, I want you to know that as your loyal assistant, I can give you no less than five ideas on how to make the betting pool stop,” she whispers, resting her elbows on his desk and leaning towards him. She accompanies it with an elaborate eyebrow waggle and rolls back out. “Just think about it,” she adds.

“Why the change of heart?” Holt asks.

Gina, still rolling back towards her desk, answers, “They kicked me out for insider trading and now I just want it all to burn.” It’s accompanied by hand gestures that are probably supposed to mime an explosion.

He decides he doesn’t want to know how one manages to do insider trading on a betting pool.

–--

Months later, when the baseball season is drawing to a close and the prank war front has been silent for weeks now, even if the board is still standing tucked into the corner near the water cooler. Holt thinks that maybe he’s already heard the last of it – until a patrol officer comes into the bullpen, with his partner standing back near the entrance with two handcuffed and slightly singed men, who are arguing loudly and seem to be unable to grasp the fact that gesticulating during an argument is rather pointless when your hands are cuffed behind your back.

“They weren’t mine!” one of the handcuffed men exclaims. “I was an innocent bystander! I was trying to stop it!”

“And I should’ve never been arrested,” says the other and spins around to face the small crowd that’s started gathering off to the side. “Do you have _any_ idea who I am?“

“It’s Baldwin and Krasinski. You guys wanted to know if we ever picked them up?” the officer says. “Here they are, caught them in the act. Breaking and entering and possession of illegal fireworks.” 

This makes Gina burst into a fit of loud, braying laughter. Amy is casting worried glances at her and looks like she’s about to ask her if she’s alright, but then Gina waves her hand towards the back of the room – and when everyone is still looking at her without any comprehension, she makes a much more pointed gesture directly at Scully and Peralta.

“Shit, no!” Peralta’s shout rings out, clearly audible even over the commotion. “Please tell me the fireworks didn’t go off! And that nothing caught fire!”

“A few of them did go off, yeah, but there was a fire extinguisher there and Officer Russeau managed to put them out almost immediately. It really was just a tiny fire.”

All heads whip from him to the board and the _ARSON - SCULLY_ written near the top in red marker.

“Well, it seems like, out of all of you, Detective Scully was the one who came the closest,” says Holt.

“I don’t really want to brag, but what can I say,” says Scully, shrugging. “It’s a gift.”

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to alianne for beta.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Cue The Flying Pigs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8722042) by [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor)




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